Why Pell Should Return to Australia (Or: HELP!!!!!)

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To: His Most Highly Revered and Eminently Adored

The Cardinal George Pell of Australia, D.D., M.Y., G.O.D., I.M.A., T.W.I.T.

The Cardinal’s Suite

Domus Australia, Rome.

Dear Georgie,

Please come home — all is forgiven (just joking!)

Seriously though, things are really bad here at the moment. The NSW enquiry situation is going from bad to worse. Shows what happens if you leave things to mere Bishops. We really do need your input, guidance, wisdom and grace or whatever.

The memory loss thing is getting out of hand. Poor Brian has been caught out again with remembering some things in great detail while having a blank on everything else. It might have been a bit believable with poor old William and his anesthetic excuse, but Brian is being questioned in the media and at the enquiry for his truthfulness on this matter, unrelentingly.

Of course, it did not help things at all when it was revealed that Brian took no notes of meetings, and advised others to do the same. To cap it all off, it did look very much like he was more concerned with protecting priests and the church’s reputation. Even our smart (and expensive!!!!!!!) lawyers could not help out here.

Everyone knows of your particularly good memory and attention to detail. They also know you are a man of words and would record everything. Only your appearance could stem the tide of incredulity on this whole memory and records thing.

It really is not looking good for our claim to care about the victims. It finally came out about how victims and their families have been treated so badly following their complaints. Also, you may not be aware, but they found out about the shredding of meeting notes from the liaison meetings with NSW police – don’t get me going about how stupid it was of our underlings to even keep any notes!!! Didn’t they get Brian’s last e-mail? D’uh!

Blaming everything on the late Leo seemed to be working rather well, but now there are problems with Malone – especially since he is neither senile nor dead. His situation may not be retrievable with even your great intellect being applied (no offence meant… it really is tremendous!!!). We further can’t be sure Wright won’t crack – he’s been doing a lot of praying lately.

We did get some lift from the protests with the victims and their lefty supporters being hauled over the coals by the Commissioner, and this is where you could come in. Given your charismatic demeanor, and the fact that you are so very well groomed (and I might say looking younger than you are – you don’t look a day over 75!!!!!!!!), it would look really, really bad on the tele if they heckled you.

There would, of course be problems with your previous association with some people, like Brian, and there is a lot to be said for you staying out of the country for this reason. However, if it could be arranged for you to give in camera evidence, and go in and out by the back door like in Melbourne, this should not present such dire problems as would appear on a first look. We’ve managed this with Wilson, so it is possible.

We probably also need you here to help keep the PR people on board. Apparently word is that they are very disheartened and may consider quitting, just to salvage something of their reputation. The main sticking point seems to be the gaff Malone made about not having to be at the hearing if he had not kept so many records, or done more about McAlinden and Fletcher. As if!!! Nevertheless, there was a considerable backlash in the media about this poor attempt at a joke. A bit like Hart’s “better late than never” thing.

We seem to be safe (cross fingers) from the misprision of a felony thing according to the lawyers, but it may need your forceful application of the ‘sanctity of the confessional’ line to really be sure. Maybe, you could talk to someone in government as well?????

There’s only a week left to try to save as much of the furniture as possible, so things are becoming rather urgent. I know the weather has been simply superb in Rome lately and it would be a great sacrifice to return to chilly Sydney, but, as I have said, we really are in danger of losing the war on this whole Newcastle thing. So, Georgie, please come home, as quickly as you can, to take personal command of this farce.

Yours humbly, obsequiously, genuflectingly, cringingly etc.

In Christ’s name,

Davo

[P.S. – I fed the cat.]

TOMORROW: NSW enquiry – week’s preview

That’s all I can say

Lewis Blayse (né Lewin Blazevich)

 

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2 Responses to Why Pell Should Return to Australia (Or: HELP!!!!!)

  1. Rereading this again has been great! I remember laughing from brilliant start:
    To: His Most Highly Revered and Eminently Adored
    The Cardinal George Pell of Australia, D.D., M.Y., G.O.D., I.M.A., T.W.I.T.
    to brilliant finish last year when it was published. I still laugh out loud at your Dad’s ability to put his finger on the pulse of things with references to George Pell: “you don’t look a day over 75!” Or perhaps “pulse” was the wrong word to use?

    When I lived in London 30 year’s ago, I adored ‘Private Eye’, and bought it every fortnight. When Maggie Thatcher became PM, Private Eye began a column which was Denis Thatcher’s letter to his boardie golfing partners called the Dear Bill Letters that ran for 24 years. Ostensibly to William Deeds, his old friend and editor of the Daily Telegraph, they explained why Denis could never get away to play golf and have a tincture or ten. Or reporting back his recommendation for the BBC: “I kept telling the Boss, if ever there was a state-owned industry ripe for privatisation, it’s that nest of Pinkoes and Traitors at Shepherd’s Bush.”

    Lewis Blayse’s Blog and the Dear Bill Letters are different epochs, different purposes, different Continents, but reading some of Dad’s work this morning takes me right back to reading comedy, satire and parody of the highest quality. S U P E R B!

    • lewisblayse says:

      Hi Diana,

      I’m really glad you’re finding pleasure in reading back over some of Dad’s funny posts. I do the same when I’m struggling with the grief and need to remember something good.

      We had a great time putting them together (I was the sounding board because Dad was always unsure about whether something was funny, and there were so many times I was stitches over a post in the making).

      I haven’t felt much like writing anything funny lately, but there were a few more satirical posts that were in various stages of development that I hope to get done sometime. The various institutions provide a never-ending supply of material that just begs for satirical responses.

      Thank you too for Tweeting Dad’s stuff both then and now 🙂

      Cheers,

      Aletha

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