The Acme Batholic Church is proud to announce that franchises are now available to selected paedophiles. As we are a registered church, you will have many advantages over other franchise businesses. Our founder, Chief Papa John Sleezovici (pictured below), has honed the business to perfection, and can now offer a deal to make you real rich, real quick.

Founder Chief Papa John Sleezovici

You can turn your paedophile tendencies into real money today! You can get government grants to “counsel” the victims you produce, and with the right choice of cheap “counselors”, you can make a handsome profit.

Papa Bill Sleezeson on his way to the bank

And the best part of it all?…………As a church, you don’t pay tax!

Papa Ken Sleezton responds to demands from the taxman

Now, some of you may be saying, “but I could get into trouble with the law for abusing kids.” Don’t worry, we have a legal team headed by Kev “The Sleeze” Brooks SC (pictured below), which can get you off on anything. This is another advantage of the power of a centralised franchise system.

Our Lawyer: Kev “The Sleeze” Brooks, SC

Ah, but won’t the victims compensation eat into profits, you ask? Chief Papa Sleezovici worked this out long ago, and is happy to share his genius with you, the franchisee. All funds are tied up in the “Cemetary Maintenance Fund” which is immune from such claims. Technically, you will have no assets which can be raided to provide compensation to victims. We have special “low maintenance” cemeteries available at low, low cost.

A typical Batholic Church “maintained” cemetery

Your “flock” and, indeed, the public at large will be totally convinced you, as a “papa”, are really into God, helping poor people and promoting community morals. Our Chief Public Relations man, Papa Phil Sleezeman, and his hard-working crew, work tirelessly on promoting this message, just for you and other franchisees. Here, more than anywhere, scale, and sleeze, counts.

Chief Public Relations man Papa Phil Sleezeman

Yes, I can hear you say, but I don’t know the first thing about religion, all I know is how to groom children…. Well, all of that is fully covered as part of the franchise agreement. Our fully-accredited “Acme Batholic Clergy School” will provide comprehensive training. Before long, you will be getting around in weird gear and mouthing platitudes about loving all people!

New franchisees at our clergy training facility, headed by Professor Papa Charles Sleezly

Need a church building? Acme Batholic Church has many fine buildings available just for you and your flock.

The “Our Lady of the Sleeze” Batholic Church in Sleezeville

But wait, there’s more!!!! As a special introductory, all franchisees who sign up within the new month, will receive a special pass which entitles all papas preferential entry to Batholic Heaven (trademark).

Sign now and get your special pass to Batholic Heaven!

So, why now sign up now and start making all that lovely money from doing what comes naturally to you! Our chief salesman, Papa George Sleezio, will be there for you to answer all your questions, except those covered by the sanctity of the Batholic confessional.

Chief salesman Papa George Sleezio

Finally, we don’t leave you all alone after you sign up. Each year we hold a franchisee get-together and banquet. This year we have booked the famous “Domusa Australia” in Rome!!!! (during the off-season).

Franchisee delegates banquet tables set up in the courtyard at “Domusa Australia”

No expense will be spared on the banquet. Remember, you will be out of the country, far from prying eyes!

Typical banquet table at our franchisees’ convention.

Still not satisfied? Well, you can go to hell!

Batholic Hell.

TOMORROW: A review of the Marist Brothers

That’s all I can say

Lewis Blayse (né Lewin Blazevich)